I had an interesting conversation at the gym tonight. I ran into this guy I've spoken to a few times before. I had seen him a lot at the gym, and I sensed that he might be someone I'd like to get to know. It's hard to identify why that is, why we target certain people we don't really know. I guess in this case he was both attractive to me and quiet, soft-spoken. That combination will always work with me. Anyway, I'd spoken to him on a few occasions before, but mostly just friendly banter. Tonight he mentioned how he'd been unfocused ever since he'd returned from a vacation. We began talking about jobs, careers. He's a PhD student in neuro science and works in a university lab. We found common ground in our interest in philosophy. He'd been a psychology and biology major in college, with a minor in philosophy. I'd been a philosophy major. He had a particular interest in the philosophy of mind, consciousness, which makes sense. I talked of my own interests in philosophy, how I'd wanted to get a PhD in philosophy, but how the need for a paying job led me to other things. We talked about a common admiration for a current philosopher in consciousness and the mind--Daniel Dennett. (I'd taken a course on the philosophy of mind and in it we read a book of Dennett's. He'd heard Dennett speak at Stanford.)

Hearing him talk with some excitment about the area, and his general immersion in the field, made me think about my own situation with some jealousy of his. He's studying a field he likes and will make a both a good career and a good life of it. My unfortunate situation is that somehow along the way, through a series of bad choices, fear, and perhaps a lack of talents, my interests and passions became disconnected from my life's work. And the rest of my life I'll be engaged in a struggle to re-connect the two.

I'm always being reminded of this at my current job. My boss and the people I work with are PhDs in computer science. Of course they're bright people, but what's more striking to me is how they care about the sorts of things they work on. My boss thinks in very abstract terms, always seeing the generalization of the immediate problem before him, always thinking in terms of principles and abstractions as he's solving a tangible problem. He has an academic mind, and he loves thinking about the problems, seeing the solutions. While he's engaged in real issues with high corporate stakes, he's also learning and growing in his intellectual domain. Me.... I don't give a crap about computer science as an intellectual pursuit. hahah It bores me. It's interesting to play with, like it might be fun for the accountant to work on woodworking projects in his basement on the weekends. But as an intellectual pursuit... I just don't care. And the industry--printing, document output trechnologies, etc.--boring. Who cares. So this is a predicament for me.

In the meantime, I've pulled my old copy of the Dennett book from my shelf and am eager to dive into it. I've found old highlighter throughout it, so I guess I actually did take it somewhat seriously at the time. I saw an essay in there that I remember reading, which came up recently in conversation with Ann or someone, about dreams--"Are dreams experiences?" Maybe I'll re-read that. Maybe I'll read something that I haven't read. Maybe first I'll tinker on the piano and eat strawberries. Hopefully I'll talk to my gym pal further about Dennett and other things.